Occasionally, usually when my age ticks up, I allow myself to reflect on life and what it all means. I don't like to do this all the time because it's not super interesting, and also, who am I to wax on and on about things infinitely larger than myself? Nevertheless, I think we all learn things as we grow and age, and, every now and then, I think something that might just mean something to someone else.
To begin, I want to acknowledge that, for several years, I've actively engaged in naming and counting my blessings. It's not something I exclusively do when good things happen, and it's also not something I exclusively do when I'm feeling down and need a reminder of things that are going well in my life. I try to do this routinely, and with some intentionality. It helps.
Secondly, I readily acknowledge that I am too young to be "old" or "wise," so take anything I say with a grain of salt. This is just what makes sense to me, at this point in my journey. It could change, and it probably will. Having said that, when I am mindful of the good things I have in my life, and I have many, I worry significantly less about dying. To be fair, I have rarely worried about my own death (wow, this got dark, kinda). I do worry about the impact of my death on other people, but I don't fear it for myself.
What worries me is leaving behind a world where I haven't been abundantly clear how I perceived my purpose and my priorities. I worry about leaving questions about myself that no one will be able to answer. A little mystery is fine, as is a level of privacy. But certain things should never be questioned, or left to interpretation. Tomorrow is not guaranteed.
So my third realization is how important it is to know that my message to the world is written and clear. I don't plan on dying anytime soon, but if I did, there's plenty that I'd hope to have said first. Among those:
- Brooke is the love of my life. She makes me want to be a better person every single day.
- Brooke is the love of my life. She makes me want to be a better person every single day.
- I never thought I could love anyone as much as I love Brooke, but I do: both of my kids continuously redefine the limits of how much I thought I could love and care for other human beings. Everyday they do or say something new that just blows me away. They constantly show me how much they are like me, and, simultaneously, how much they are their own people, with their own interests, their own strengths, their own passions, and their own dreams. I tell them I love them in my own subtle ways, and I hope they understand that, "Okay you kids have a good time," and, "Have a good time with your mustache," both directly translate to, "I love you and I think the absolute world of you."
- My mom is the strongest person I have ever known, and I love and adore her.
- I love and respect my siblings, and their families, unequivocally.
- I'm not mad at anyone, but I have chosen to distance myself from some people for good reasons. I don't need to justify any of these choices, and I won't.
- I love and respect my siblings, and their families, unequivocally.
- I'm not mad at anyone, but I have chosen to distance myself from some people for good reasons. I don't need to justify any of these choices, and I won't.
- Throughout my life, at every stage, I've encountered one or two people with whom I have forged lasting, meaningful connections. I never take this for granted. I have little doubt that all of these people know who they are and feel similarly. We find our people along our journey, and our connection to them will always bear deep meaning: they are the ones we needed, either at a specific time, or for all time, and sometimes for both. I hope I have given each of them even a fraction of what they have given me.
- I am sorry for ever hurting anyone. I know I have, it's part of life. I'm sorry for the times I was foolish and made mistakes, and I'm sorry for how hard it is to find the right words to make things better.
- I am sorry for ever hurting anyone. I know I have, it's part of life. I'm sorry for the times I was foolish and made mistakes, and I'm sorry for how hard it is to find the right words to make things better.
I think a lot of those things are things most people could say. What's new and unique in my perspective this year is thoughts about legacy: what we leave for the world. I spent the last year of my life really enjoying films far more than I ever have. I will watch just about any movie, period. I find I especially love movies that fall into these categories:
1) Movies that I missed because they came out during particularly busy times in my life
1) Movies that I missed because they came out during particularly busy times in my life
2) Movies that flew under the radar, but really have one or two redeeming qualities
3) Movies that are just truly bad: poorly written, poorly executed, or both
4) Movies from specific times, with which I have less familiarity
5) Movies that most people would simply skip over
Sometimes I find real diamonds in the rough. It helps that I am able to watch a movie without fully focusing in on it (i.e. they make great atmosphere when I'm working from home -- I get more work done with something playing than I do in silence). If something makes an impression on me, I can always watch it again and with greater focus.
4) Movies from specific times, with which I have less familiarity
5) Movies that most people would simply skip over
Sometimes I find real diamonds in the rough. It helps that I am able to watch a movie without fully focusing in on it (i.e. they make great atmosphere when I'm working from home -- I get more work done with something playing than I do in silence). If something makes an impression on me, I can always watch it again and with greater focus.
Watching so many films brought me to this revelation:
A film is no small accomplishment: it takes years of planning and execution to make one a reality. It takes the coordination of a large number of people, each doing different and important jobs to advance the overall process. Someone wrote every movie, someone directed every movie, someone produced every movie, and someone performed in every movie. Thinking more broadly, some performers, directors, writers, etc. have achieved a level of success that eclipses everyone most of their peers. There are names that seem larger than life, and performances that change us.
Even so, the greatest actor/director/producer/writer may only have a career spanning several decades. Their entire existence is a flash when compared with the entirety of humanity. When they die, we remember them for a moment, and in the time that follows, we may return to their works and appreciate them again, but as time passes, we will collectively think of them less and less frequently. This should not diminish their accomplishments necessarily, but, effectively, it does exactly that. A person whose favorite movie is an action/adventure that came out in 2025 probably wouldn't have much appreciation for Charlie Chaplin, or Buster Keaton, and while that does not take away from Chaplin's or Keaton's work, it does move them incrementally more distant from the zeitgeist.
A film is no small accomplishment: it takes years of planning and execution to make one a reality. It takes the coordination of a large number of people, each doing different and important jobs to advance the overall process. Someone wrote every movie, someone directed every movie, someone produced every movie, and someone performed in every movie. Thinking more broadly, some performers, directors, writers, etc. have achieved a level of success that eclipses everyone most of their peers. There are names that seem larger than life, and performances that change us.
Even so, the greatest actor/director/producer/writer may only have a career spanning several decades. Their entire existence is a flash when compared with the entirety of humanity. When they die, we remember them for a moment, and in the time that follows, we may return to their works and appreciate them again, but as time passes, we will collectively think of them less and less frequently. This should not diminish their accomplishments necessarily, but, effectively, it does exactly that. A person whose favorite movie is an action/adventure that came out in 2025 probably wouldn't have much appreciation for Charlie Chaplin, or Buster Keaton, and while that does not take away from Chaplin's or Keaton's work, it does move them incrementally more distant from the zeitgeist.
No body of work could ever stand the test of time and hold up forever. That is the logical conclusion.
Influence is the next level: the ripples that emerge when an object of some heft disrupts the serenity of the water's surface, forever changing the way the water interacts with everything around it. An actor who grew up adoring the physical performances of the silent era bring an obligation to form that extends the influence of those who came before.
Yet, eventually, the waters will be calm again. The reach of influence is not wholly organic. Case in point: an ancient Greek poem about war is still impactful, in part, because we make students read it and discuss it every year. Does that make it great? Or is it something to which we feel a collective obligation? Can it be both?
I have much more that I hope to creatively produce in my time, but as I have grown, my understanding of these pursuits has changed. I no longer feel compelled to create so that my name and work will be remembered; instead, I want to create so that I may influence, even if my influence is only that of a grain of sand plunging into calm waters.
My ripple may not be huge, but it will be good. That is my wish.
If you've read this far, remember: I'm not old or wise. There's no guarantee that any of this is right.
Influence is the next level: the ripples that emerge when an object of some heft disrupts the serenity of the water's surface, forever changing the way the water interacts with everything around it. An actor who grew up adoring the physical performances of the silent era bring an obligation to form that extends the influence of those who came before.
Yet, eventually, the waters will be calm again. The reach of influence is not wholly organic. Case in point: an ancient Greek poem about war is still impactful, in part, because we make students read it and discuss it every year. Does that make it great? Or is it something to which we feel a collective obligation? Can it be both?
I have much more that I hope to creatively produce in my time, but as I have grown, my understanding of these pursuits has changed. I no longer feel compelled to create so that my name and work will be remembered; instead, I want to create so that I may influence, even if my influence is only that of a grain of sand plunging into calm waters.
My ripple may not be huge, but it will be good. That is my wish.
If you've read this far, remember: I'm not old or wise. There's no guarantee that any of this is right.
But I thank you for reading.
---DISCLAIMER---
I'm not depressed, don't worry. That's not what this is. I'm not now, nor have I ever been, suicidal. I've been through some dark-ass times in my life and made it through without endangering myself. I'm just reflecting and sharing what I'm feeling, and my focus is clear: I have plenty that I still want to do, so no part of this should have been read as a farewell. If that has made you uncomfortable, I apologize - not my intent.
---DISCLAIMER---
I'm not depressed, don't worry. That's not what this is. I'm not now, nor have I ever been, suicidal. I've been through some dark-ass times in my life and made it through without endangering myself. I'm just reflecting and sharing what I'm feeling, and my focus is clear: I have plenty that I still want to do, so no part of this should have been read as a farewell. If that has made you uncomfortable, I apologize - not my intent.
